Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize