It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
