I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
