If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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