And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Princesses don't give blow jobs
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
