you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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