I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
