Kareoke will never be a sober sport
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
