I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
