I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
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