I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
