So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
