Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
