i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
