i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Randomize
