I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
