hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
