i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
