You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
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