I can't watch pbs sober anymore
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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