I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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