She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize