Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Randomize
