so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
i think i scared a bird with my dick
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
