Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
