Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
