Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
