my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
