This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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