There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
