Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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