I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
