sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
