proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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