I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
