My first STD was from a foam party
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
