the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
