thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
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