Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
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