you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I smell like Dick and happiness
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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