this just has baby written all over it
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
