so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
