no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize