and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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