Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
