I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
