My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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