if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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