so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
