I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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