i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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