The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
