a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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