I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
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