At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Randomize
