everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
