when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
