I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
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