I look better un-naked...
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
