I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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