Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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