The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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