Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
