Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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