dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
